As a business psychologist and coach I have worked with people through so many life stages, most of which include endings. These have ranged from the decision to sell a business, stop trading, the need to navigate life changing injury or illness, bereavement, divorce, the end of treasured relationships, miscarriage, menopause and occasionally the end of life.
There is a definition of compassion that always caught my imagination by Pema Chodron, that says “compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Compassion becomes real when we recognise our shared humanity”. I’ve realised that one of the skills I bring as a coach and mentor is my own lived experience in navigating endings. I’m convinced that my capacity to hold other people’s pain is shaped by my ability to hold my own. It also means that having lived a life that looks very much like a Brazilian soap opera, I just don’t judge.
Ok, what I do judge a bit, is that British culture is not great at navigating endings. Our plucky can-do, underdog spirit loves a grand adventure and new beginnings. but we don’t easily talk about death, sadness, or pain and we’re great at solving everyone else’s problems, ready with a witty put down or judgement, pretending we are ‘fine, thank you’ while hiding the pain of rejection, disappointment, sadness or loneliness. But all that swallowed emotion is genuinely bad for the heart. And sweeping things under the rug, creates a trip hazard.
I was determined to create conversations about the harder, messier parts of life to bring some of these conversations and emotions into the light. Perhaps by recognising that everyone experiences at least one if not several endings during their life span, we can acknowledge our shared humanity and develop greater compassion for each other. I know, it’s a greedy hope! (I love that phrase)
When developing my podcast series ‘Endings’, I wanted to interview people who had relatable stories to share about endings they’ve experienced – real people. I believed my everyday heroes would tell me the truth, and we’d hear the real, messy, glorious humanity of their stories.
It was surprisingly easy to find amazing stories, in fact I could fill several series and never run out of phenomenal people to talk to. It made me realise how we often don’t know each other’s story. We walk around feeling like we’re the only one that’s ever had our heartbroken, lost someone we love, mourned a pet and worried others wouldn’t understand, or had to navigate feeling like we’re simply not ourselves anymore. When you hear some of the stories, I hope listeners can hear their own stories in some way. I’d also love it if people would tell me those stories if they are happy to share them. I am so inspired by people’s ability to overcome situations that appear impossible to survive. Life finds a way.
It was also important that everyone had in some way successfully moved through the ending, because the one thing that people need to hold on to whilst navigating an ending, is hope. Hearing that a way forward is possible; hearing what is worked for others, and maybe a few tips and techniques can provide that.
Not everybody found their happy ending, it was important that the stories were real and not some Disney fantasy. Most endings are not something to ‘get through’, instead they need to be integrated into your sense of self, whether you are coping with grief, retiring from a high profile profession or life changing injuries. Sometimes there is a new beginning, or simply something becomes possible because of the ending that wasn’t possible before.
We worked with the obsessively brilliant Fascinate Productions to create Endings. Thank you in particular to the epic patience of Sam and Liam, who put up with the ineptitude of an attention deficit newbie to podcasting. If the results are good, it is down to them and my guests. Once I saw the production quality and depth of planning that goes into launching a new series that these guys deliver so wonderfully, I realised the value of experts. And I’ve loved the experience – although I might mumble “once more for luck” in my sleep for a while.
If you have a story of an ending you think others could learn from, do get in touch, I’m currently working on series 2!
It is always important to know when something has reached its end
Paul Coelho
