I suspect that if you parents are still in your life, then the idea of losing them might fill you with dread. It can be unexpectedly hard to be the oldest generation in your immediate family. Yet this transition is one that everyone will face, it is part of life that people die. But we don’t talk about it much at work.
When parents die after a full life, having really lived, then a good death, at the right time for them, is what most would wish for. And yes, sometimes we lose them too soon, or not soon enough. Dementia can throw in a horrible curveball, the double loss of losing them when they lose themself, and then when they die.
All of which can happen when careers are at their peak, while you are raising the next generation or building your own legacy – and yet part of you is a kid again, wishing for a bit more time with your mum or dad; with time to say what needs to be said or to ask your questions, before there are no more answers.
I was privileged to interview Karen Green for my podcast Endings, who tells the story of losing both her parents within two weeks. She draws a distinction between the death of her father, which was expected, although with very little notice; and her mother, which she had no time to prepare for at all. I wanted people to hear her story, as Karen has some practical tips for people who had rather too much well intended but unhelpful ‘advice’ for someone in the deepest grief. She created a list of what to do or say and what not to, when talking to the recently bereaved – whilst reinforcing that grief and grieving are NOT the same thing, and that everyone grieves in their own way. You can listen to Karen’s story from 28 March here: https://podfollow.com/endings
I built on Karen’s tips for supporting someone who is grieving so if you’ve ever worried about saying the wrong thing, there is a downloadable sheet below this post on justhazel.co.uk – if you need it, you can have it, I won’t ask for your details. And if you are recently bereaved, then there is an additional resource for you too. I would love to hear if you have any other dos and don’ts from your own experience – you can contact me on LinkedIn at HazelShowell or HazelCS on X.
